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The Five Laws of Relationships (4)

4. Law of Acknowledging Facts

It is essential to respect and acknowledge facts as they are.

"Respecting and acknowledging facts as they are" means connecting with life and being able to face and integrate everything in the present world as it is. Facts are our best teachers, providing the greatest strength for growth. Therefore, when we want to take the most appropriate actions in family, life, or work, everyone involved in the system must be able to face and respect the facts.

This sounds easy, but in reality, it is often challenging for many people, especially when it comes to family matters. For example, consider a tragic accident within a family. A little boy dies in a car accident, and his father, afraid that the same fate might befall his other children, hides all photos of the deceased child, keeping the truth from his other children and not letting them know that they had an elder brother. However, the consequence of hiding this fact is that the other children unconsciously feel drawn to the same fate, leading to a higher risk of accidents. The father eventually realized the impact of concealing the truth. Upon uncovering the hidden facts through systemic constellation, it became clear that the other children were subconsciously trying to follow their deceased brother.

Realizing this, the father began to acknowledge the deceased child's existence to his other children and engaged in commemorative activities together. After accepting the truth, the risk of accidents among the children significantly decreased. This demonstrates that when a family is unwilling to acknowledge the truth for what it is, and tries to avoid, ignore or deny it in some strange way, the issue remains unresolved and continues to affect the family, like a “black hole” that entangles the family. Conversely, acknowledging facts brings about liberation and healing, opening the door to potential solutions.

Respecting and acknowledging facts also involves "respecting the truth of each person’s identity” in the system and "speaking it out loud" as a form of acknowledgment. For example, a child saying to their father, "You are my father, and I am your son. You are the elder, and I am the younger", or a second wife acknowledging the first wife by saying, "You were his first wife, and I am his current wife. You came before me." When these words are spoken sincerely, they represent a recognition and acceptance of reality, providing stability and relief to everyone in the system.

Although it seems easy, we often unconsciously deny someone's actual identity due to their actions. This is common during marital conflicts or divorces, where one parent might tell the child, "Your father is irresponsible; he doesn't deserve to be your dad," or "Your mother is a bad woman; she abandoned you for someone else." Denying a person’s actual identity because of their actions creates instability and improper emotions and behaviors within the system, especially among children, who may repeat the family's unfortunate patterns. Therefore, in the laws of how life works, we need to learn that facts do not change because of denial, but denial comes at a serious cost, as well as the loss of the opportunities that life gives us to learn.

Extracted from “Love and Reconciliation” by Chou Ting Wen

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