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Love and Hate Intertwined


When children witness their parents quarrel and split up, they feel immense sadness. Many children secretly vow, "I will never abandon my family like my father."


Strangely, although their minds tell them this, kids pay close attention to their parents' actions in an effort to avoid becoming like them. Their recollections get more distinct the more they observe. Eventually, whether they realize it or not, they behave just like their parents, when they have their own partners. Why does this happen? The psychology behind it is the child's innate loyalty to their parents. As mentioned in the book "Love and Reconciliation", Hsiung, who grew up in a single-parent family, often quarreled with his wife for a while because she felt that he had a split personality. She hoped that he could get to know himself better and encouraged him to attend the systemic constellation workshop. He felt that no one around him truly understood him. His father had an affair and chose to commit suicide, intensifying his hatred toward his father to the point where he even contemplated suicide himself. The teacher asked, "Would it help matters if you committed suicide?" Hsiung angrily retorted, "Would it have helped if he committed suicide? He was so irresponsible!" The teacher responded, "No, his suicide wouldn't have helped. Similarly, if you were to commit suicide, would your children not experience the same things and feelings as you?" Hsiung answered, "I feel deeply conflicted. Without my wife and children, I don't know what I would do." Teacher Chou arranged the representatives for Hsiung's inner personas: "The Lonely Heart" and "The Child Dependent on His Mother". He also selected four people to represent Hsiung's parents, his wife and child.

As the representatives stood in place, we observed Hsiung's inner personas gazing at each other from a distance, akin to his parents being separated. "The Lonely Heart" occasionally looked toward his father, yearning to be close to him, while "The Child Dependent on His Mother" remained by his mother's side. Teacher Chou remarked, "Your inner personas are indeed separated, with one longing for the father and the other for the mother.” As Hsiung’s child stood near "The Lonely Heart," their eyes darted between Hsiung's parents, also affected by this discord. All children will feel divided if they are in such a divided family. For the sake of their well-being and that of their children, parents should disengage from such parental conflicts. Thus, with tear-filled eyes, Hsiung, under the guidance of the teacher, apologized to his mother for the separation. Then, he approached his father, expressing his anger and choked-back grief. Finally, we witnessed the two inner representatives come together, moving closer to his wife and child. Hsiung bravely faced his deepest sorrow and returned to his rightful place, piecing his fragmented self back together.


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