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When it comes to raising children, from learning to health, various experts have different perspectives. While some superficial issues can be addressed through external training and nurturing to achieve noticeable results quickly, what should you do when faced with more complex, persistent, repetitive, or directionless problems? In such situations, you might consider applying the wisdom and techniques of systemic perspective. By delving into the root of family consciousness and the societal collective subconscious, you may discover a catalyst for change, providing an opportunity to reverse these circumstances!
A systemic perspective offers a holistic view of things. Unlike focusing solely on individual nodes, it considers the relationships and interactions among all relevant people, events, and things. Through the systemic perspective, we can gain a clearer understanding of how the entire family influences a child's physical and mental well-being. Through understanding and applying systemic perspective, we can effectively supplement or address the deficiencies overlooked by modern parenting, as well as lay a solid foundation for children as they embark on the journey of life!
How can the average person, in a family setting, easily apply systemic perspective to assist a child's positive development? Doing the following three actions can bring positive outcomes:
1. Address Marital Problems Before Tackling Child-Related Issues
When addressing family issues, many people tend to prioritize the child over the partner. However, case observations in systemic constellations often show that relationship conflicts that are not properly addressed or resolved lead to problems for the child. For example, there was a couple who had long experienced relationship discord, were secretly planning to divorce. However, the sudden onset of their child's illness left them with no time to address their marital issues in a legal context. In another case, a child dropped out of school and stayed at home. It was later discovered that there had been marital infidelity. To accommodate the child staying at home, the parents had to take turns to take care of the child, which inadvertently decreased the likelihood of further infidelity. While this concept may seem unconventional to some, through the observations of systemic perspective and collective consciousness, such chain reactions unfold realistically in our surroundings. Children always try to stabilize the family by influencing parents through their limited influence—behavior, health, and academics. Although this is unwise, the children themselves are unaware at the conscious level too. Therefore, to allow children to focus on their own development, addressing spousal relationships is crucial. Regardless of whether the situation ends with a positive outcome or a regrettable ending, the problem needs to be properly addressed and resolved. Effectively handling parent-child relationships can prevent children from unconsciously shouldering the family's burdens, which will provide stability for a child’s growth.
2. Respect Current/Former Partners
In parenting, one common issue is the lack of manners or respect. Therefore, respect is a crucial element in early education. However, in addition to teaching children to respect others, parents should remember to practice it themselves. Besides considering the fact that “actions speak louder than words”, the impact of “respect” on a child’s mental and emotional development actually goes beyond your imagination! In Maslow's hierarchy of needs theory for a fulfilling life, respect and a sense of belonging occupy two significant proportions. By creating the correct order through proper respect, children can gain a good sense of belonging, which will deeply influence their future development and the realization of their aspirations! For instance, in hardworking single-income or single-parent households, parents might vent frustrations about their (former) partners to their children. As the children want to feel connected to their parents, they often pick up on their complaints and copy them without realizing it, as a way to identify with them. They end up embodying those disliked qualities as they grow older. Instead of calling it “genetic inheritance”, it's more of the subtle long-term influence that caused the child to embody those qualities. To break this cycle, you should instead praise the child using the positive traits of your partner, enabling the child to take positive actions to build a sense of identity with their parents.
Perhaps some of you may say, “My partner is really bad, and I can't bring myself to mention him!” Please remember that respect does not equal approval. Respecting your partner's choices and actions without necessarily agreeing with them is entirely acceptable! Also, not forgetting what was mentioned in the previous paragraph, relationship issues are relationship issues. If extended to the child, it is not something the child can resolve and it can affect the child's personality development. To ensure the child's well-being, it is crucial to learn to solve problems between partners. Encouraging the child to appreciate and embrace the positive qualities of both parents enables them to incorporate these strengths into their own journey, and they won't unknowingly repeat their parents' past mistakes or behaviors when they grow up.
3. Release Family System Dynamics
Sometimes, even with comprehensive care, good education, and a nurturing environment, a child may still face challenges. In addition to seeking assistance from relevant professional resources, you can also address the issue from the perspective of systemic dynamics. The most common causes are the hidden secrets within the family, such as concealment, separation, and abortion events. Additionally, long-term suppressed emotions within the family can manifest through the child due to the influence of collective subconscious. In practical cases, children exhibiting mental or emotional instability often have roots in these family or ancestral issues. Regarding this, if such situations occur within one’s own family, addressing these unspoken or suppressed feelings and experiences with the partner and child can alleviate the impact on the child's profound consciousness. If these issues occur in a large family or the exact reasons remain unclear, systemic constellations can provide insights.
The release of negative family dynamics signifies giving the child a completely new and free life, while also offering oneself an opportunity to make new choices in life. In fact, a lot of people who first attended systemic constellation sessions for their children ended up benefiting the most!
After looking at these three points, do you now have new thoughts and perspectives on family and parent-child relationships? Perhaps some of you may find these steps challenging to implement, and indeed, some aspects require courage to overcome. In truth, children are reflections of their families. All challenges simply reveal the unfinished lessons and learning of the family's past. If we learn and overcome them together with our children, it will truly bring freedom and choices for both us and our children. Only then can we joyfully create our own life and future.